Lipstick on My Fly: 05.11

How To Get Out And Stay Out Of The “Friend’s Zone”: "

The “friend’s zone” — that infamous coitus-less abyss where women take pleasure in turning unsuspecting men into eunuchs — has received quite a bit of play on VerySmartBrothas.com. First there was “damn you, shakira (six signs you’ve fallen into the “friend zone”)”, an entry where I introduced the topic by sharing my own sad little friend’s zone anecdote.

Next was “close-bus syndrome: six signs that a woman has been friend-zoned” , where I explained that women can be placed in the friend’s zone too.

I even placed “keeping friend-zoned guys around” first on a list of the cruelest things that women do, adding a humorous (but not really all that far-fetched) example to prove my point.

not only are most women aware of the hapless friends they have who are patiently hoping for a never occurring opening, they have no problem with taking advantage of him once he’s in place…and giving him just enough of a tease of a potential opening to keep him there.

there are myriad ways that they do this, but my favorite is the wistfully nonchalant “i wish there were more guys were like you. why can’t i find a good man?” they’ll utter to the emasculated cat driving them to ikea so she can replace the bed her maintenance man just helped her break the night before

(And yes, I still maintain that A) Most women are very aware when guys they’re just not that into are very into them and B) It’s some foul sh*t to keep him around by continually and intentionally being just affectionate enough that he thinks that he might get a chance some day. Assholes)

Yet, despite all of this attention, I’ve never actually offered any words of advice for guys who might be stuck there or just wish to avoid the abyss all together. No lists, no tidbits, no rules and regulations. Nothing.

Well, at least not until today.

1. Don’t allow yourself to get into the friend’s zone

I know that putting “don’t allow yourself to get in the friend’s zone” on a list explaining “How To Get Out And Stay Out Of The “Friend’s Zone” seems about as lazy and uninspired as giving someone at a rehab clinic a booklet full of Mr. Yuck stickers, but this is really the first thing that anyone who never wants to go there again needs to know.

Now, do you have control over whether a woman is attracted to you? No. (Well, to be honest, you actually do have control over that. But, for the sake of this explanation, we’ll just go with “no” for now) But, you do have control over whether you let her know that you’re definitely sexually attracted to her, something that guys who end up in the friend’s zone usually fail to do.

They make the mistake of trying to “friend” their way into the panties, not realizing that this is the quickest way to have her look at you as if you left your balls at home hanging on a refrigerator door magnet. They fail to make it immediately known (and by “immediately” I mean “during the first conversation“) that they have absolutely no interest in being her f*cking “friend.”

Will this affect your chances? Maybe. Maybe not. But, at least now you’ve set your standard and let your intentions known; forcing her to at least acknowledge that you’re a sexual being instead of waiting for her to set the panties parameters.

2. Don’t crush

On the list of “terrible, terrible, terrible ideas that we somehow still practice,” developing and cultivating long-term crushes is right up there with “the qwerty keyboard,” “the electoral college,” and “developing friendships with either of the Bryants.” What exactly makes the crush so bad? Well, when a person develops a long-term crush on a person, they usually end up idealizing that person so much that A) they become too enthralled with them to actually approach them and, in the rare case that they actually do approach, B) they’ve created a fantasy standard that the crushee can’t possibly reach.

Men who continually end up in the friend’s zone usually do this, building women up as these ultra-idealized and transubstantiating deities when they eat, sleep, and shit just like every one else. Take the p*ssy off the pedestal, and put where it belongs: on the dining room table.

3. Do something

Join a gym. Volunteer. Go to bartending school. Rob a bank. F*ck Erica Lynne. Whatever you do, make sure that you’re doing something other than following your “friend” around like a lost puppy, waiting for her to be kind enough to grant you an opening.

Why? Well, if she already knows that you’re interested in her, treating her as if she’s persona non grata has a funny way of making women think “Hmm. David doesn’t seem to give two shits about me anymore. I wonder why?” And, this thought has a tendency to lead to, um, other thoughts — a perfect seque to…

4. Remember that the friend’s zone/unrequited feelings thing doesn’t have to be permanent.

Let’s put it this way: While (many) women act as if the friend’s zone determination is permanent and unwavering, there are just as many men who’ve had numerous tasty-ass breakfasts made by women who previously saw them as “just a friend.” Basically, they make it seems like its some Guantanamo Bay type shit when all you really need to “escape” is an old credit card and a paper clip. (And by “an old credit card and a paper clip” I meant “a couch, some Netflix, and a bottle of Pineapple Malibu”)

Anyway, people of VSB.com, do you have any advice for a guy (or girl) looking to get out and stay out of the friend’s zone? Also, is there anyone here who’s either A) “escaped” the friend’s zone or B) allowed someone to “escape?” If so, how and why did this happen?

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, andFighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we’ll send Chuck Norris or Liz to fix it)